精神異常ドライブ!

Subject:	Woo Hoo!
Time:	12:21 am.
Mood:	drunk.
Music:	Random Rockman Stuff.

(blah): :-\
Lunatic Revolver: what?
(blah): EB Games screwed me over ;_;
Lunatic Revolver: how?
(blah): okay
(blah): if you preorder MGS3 Subistence at EB or Gamestop, you're supposed to get the MGS Saga Vol. 1 DVD. I had preordered almost a month ago. The guy said they would call me when they get them in.
Lunatic Revolver: mmhmm
(blah): So today people all over other message boards are getting their copies. So I call EB to see if they got theirs in
(blah): Andthe guy said he gave mine away :-\
(blah): What the hell?
Lunatic Revolver: what?
Lunatic Revolver: it's already out?
(blah): No
(blah): The game comes out on the 14th
(blah): But the DVD is already out
(blah): and they were supposed to be giving them out when they got them
Lunatic Revolver: hmm
(blah): for people that preordered
Lunatic Revolver: maybe i should check Gamestop for mine
(blah): i was soooo pissed
(blah): I'm gonna rais some hell down there tomorrow
Lunatic Revolver: lol
Lunatic Revolver: can i go wit ya?
(blah): sure
Lunatic Revolver: BTW i'm drunk as hell O.o
(blah): lol
Lunatic Revolver: no seriously,i'm flippin' crunk
Lunatic Revolver: like all crazy n' shit
Lunatic Revolver: i tried to smoke a cigarette and fell down O.o
Lunatic Revolver: tryed^
(blah): O.o
Lunatic Revolver: oh shit!Sparkman!
(blah): ?
Lunatic Revolver: music lol
Lunatic Revolver: i got an MP3 player
(blah): dope
Lunatic Revolver: 1 gig j00
(blah): you got it today?
Lunatic Revolver: yep
Lunatic Revolver: i've got like three of my remix CDs on it and Rockmix 3 on it lol and now i'm DLing more stuff
Lunatic Revolver: and of course a buncha' DDR junk
Lunatic Revolver: brb
Lunatic Revolver: back j00
(blah): uo
Lunatic Revolver: huh?
Lunatic Revolver: you been drinkin'?
(blah): lol
Lunatic Revolver: what?
Lunatic Revolver: *kills a krungla*
Lunatic Revolver: i hasz to buyz a new tirez
(blah): other one gone?
Lunatic Revolver: yep!
Lunatic Revolver: the radial was showin' O.o
Lunatic Revolver: trance j0!
Lunatic Revolver: brush y0 teef!
Lunatic Revolver: say something!
(blah): hmmmm?
Lunatic Revolver: dammit!
(blah): ???
Lunatic Revolver: blah on you
(blah): blah on you too

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	More Problems
Time:	9:06 pm.

Well i've noticed that i have two "thinking processes" and lately they've been changing back and fourth alot.I'll list the traits i've noticed.

"Child Side"-suicidal,more masochistic than sadistic,friendly,loves everyone,sexually submissive,socially shy,heart-broken easily,wants to be a child,hates being alone,hates being ignored,finds hope in life,hates body/facial hair,worries,tries to fix everyone's problems,wears conservative clothing,drives slow,ect..

"Adult Side"-homicidal,more sadistic than masochistic,anti-social,hates people,sexually aggressive,will talk to anyone,takes alot to get a reaction,wants to grow up,wants to be alone,dosent care about anything,finds no meaning in life,dosent mind body hair/likes facial hair,likes seeing people in pain(emotional or otherwise),wears tight/sexual clothing,drives fast,ect..

I have dissociative fugue,and i've finally started noticing alot of these traits and how it seems like my "thought processes"changes from day to day with no apparent reason.Sometimes the processes are mixed together and that's when things get really confusing.I probably need to see a therapist but i dont have time.

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Time:	12:36 am.
Music:	The Rain - Akira Yamaoka (Silent Hill 4 OST).

Well I guess you can't really know someone until they tell you how they really feel about your "lifestyle" it really pains me to say this but there is at least one name (from the list a few updates back) that i need to scratch off.Until tonight i've been drinking for the last five nights.It's kinda scary and i find myself not caring about people as much as i used to.I found out earlier that today (she never answered the phone when i tried to call) my mom has a choice to make,go on dialysis (which her insurance wont pay for) or,as she put it "roll over and die".I don't know what to think about anything anymore,i just try to get out of this house as much as i can and when i have no where else to go i drink.Chris is here now because he was worried about me so i havent been drinking cause i dont feel the need to tonight.Anyway I'm gonna go now.

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Subject:	絶望
Time:	5:53 pm.
Music:	Cemetery Drive - My Chemical Romance.

this night, walk the dead
in a solitary style
and crash the cemetery gates.
in the dress your husband hates
way down, mark the grave
where the search lights find us
drinking by the mausoleum door
and they found you on the bathroom floor

i miss you, i miss you so far
and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

back home, off the run
singing songs that make you slit your wrists
it isn't that much fun, staring down a loaded gun
so i won't stop dying, won't stop lying
if you want i'll keep on crying
did you get what you deserve?
is this what you always want me for?

i miss you, i miss you so far
and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down

i miss you, i miss you so far
and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

when will i miss you, when will i miss you so far
and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
made it so hard

way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down

way down

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Subject:	Kindness
Time:	1:01 am.
Mood:	content.
Music:	Take Off Your Pants and Jacket(da entire CD) - Blink 182.

Well i had a crazy twenty-four hours.First Chris came over last night and we hung out(long story).Then as i leave for work Chris notices that my tire is flat so i fill it up and drive on to work.Half way there this guy pulls up beside me and tells me that i have a blow out,so i rid my rim to the nearest QT.Once inside i called work and the manager who answered said i HAD to come in no matter what.So i walked to work.When i got off I got a ride with a co-worker who i'd always thought was a jerk and drove he me up to the QT(He had the SAME CD i had in my CD player!)and he put my extra tire on for me.He's soooo sweet when he wants to be, he even offered to sell me one of his cars(i gotta save up O.o)at a low(In my opinion)price.It's crazy,i never thought he'd have a kind side.Anyway i got home and i'm okay,i gotta do laundry,clean the house a little and then go to sleep after playing my new DDR game.

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Subject:	Kaisuse
Time:	7:46 pm.

I dont feel like taking pics of my room so i'll do it later.Anyway awhile back(The night that D.G. came over)I discovered that i can be aggressive in a male/male relationship.Although me and D have never dated we have fooled around before and he's been a cold fish for awhile so while he was putting out a TV fire(long story)i came up behind him and started licking and biting his neck,It surprised the hell outta me and after about 2 minuets re was like "woah,what the hell are you doing?"(D has always been sexually confused,it's like he's gay when he's drunk or high)and later that night i shoved him down on the bed and "hovered" over him.We never did anything but it surprised me.

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Subject:	?
Time:	6:28 pm.
Mood:	whatever.
Music:	Sugar,We're goin' down - Fall Out Boy.

Well i think i've figured out why i get so broken-hearted when a girl "messes" with me and then never calls me back(It's happaned three times in the last month).Alot of my relationships with girls have boiled down to us "fooling around" and then her leaving and i think that because of this it's been ground into my mind that to have a friend that is a girl the relationship has to be somewhat sexual.I dunno i might have it figured out but maybe not.

Anyway i've changed stuff around in my room and i'll take pics later.

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Subject:	Room
Time:	4:01 pm.

This room has seen every aspect of an individual's life,broke hearts,tears,blood,obsession,remorse and sexual tension.Everything that makes someone human but now the room is closing in on the person,destroying him from inside,broken and beaten he continues to live while not knowing the reason.Everything collapses from the tremendous weight of the world bearing on his shoulders.No human contact no reason to live he trudges onward through a torrential rain or tears and blood,ready to break with each step.Hurt at every path in life he prepares to give up and maybe move on.Everyone that he met helped him through life,even the people he hates he treats with respect and distine at the same time.He doesn't know what to do anymore so he just exists.

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Subject:	More
Time:	1:23 pm.
Mood:	blah.
Music:	Sleep - Tree Wave.

J. Baker - You've always supported me in everything i've done and helped me understand life better.When i've been all depressed and crying you were always the one to slap me in the face and tell me to wake up.I've known you for seven years and hopefully i'll know you for the rest of them.I consider you my best friend.

Ms Faith - Wow,i have so much to say about you,our relationship hasn't been an easy one,hell,at points it's been utter madness but i still love you,Even though sometimes you get on my nerves and i'm sure i get on yours,i just want you to know no matter what i'll always be here for you and i'll always be thankful.

D.G. - I've known you for quite awhile and i don't even know where to start with you,but when it all comes down to basics i love ya and i'll always be there to help you out in times of need and i'll always care,no matter how far away you live.

Trish - You've always been sort of an enigma to me,but none of that matters,your my "sister" and ya always will be and if you EVER need my help you can always talk to me.

I had a bad night last night and i don't even feel like typing about it.

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Subject:	ヂプレシオン
Time:	9:05 pm.
Mood:	indifferent.
Music:	We Shout - Tatu.

I'll write about the crazy night i had last night later,right now i'm in a more serious mood.

I'll write this entry as if it were a letter.

Pat-
You've saved me in so many ways,i can't even begin to thank you for what you've done for me.If i could i'd take away all your pain and bear it myself,if i could i'd take you away to a place where no one judges you and where there is no pain.I know your life isn't easy but i need you,you help me hold my life together,without you i'd just be a broken toy.I'd give up everything in my life for you to be completely happy,but of course life doesn't work that way.I just want you to know that no matter what i'll always be beside you.

Chris-
I guess i'm not over you,I miss you,that's just how i feel.You know how i feel about you and it's been diluted a little but it's still there.I miss you alot and it's hard on me not even being able to call you when i want but i just want you to know that i'm thinking of you.

Daniel P.-
You were my first friend and you've stuck with me though all the crap,you've put up with me and tried to help me in the most insane situations,You've helped me through life for seventeen years and now your leaving soon and it hurts,it hurts bad but i can deal with it.I can sum up how i feel about you in two words "Thank you".

I can't write about all my friends right now but i will in the future.

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Subject:	Episode # 6908A
Time:	1:29 am.
Mood:	whatever....
Music:	Don't Wanna Be - Spinwake.

Well,My mom is in the hospital again,and it's depressing.Anyway today at work the "new girl" apparently figured out my "secret".I don't remember how we got on the subject but i said something like "what?I'm not attractive?" and she said "That's not it,we just like the same thing."So i said "Huh?What do you mean?" and that's when she said it,she said "Ding-a-ling".It took me a second to get what she meant and she asked if i was gay and i told her that she was half right and asked who she'd been talking to and who had gave her that information.She replied that it was "all in the body language."lol i dident even realize it.Anyway one of my friends is being all moody right now and it's getting on my nerves so i'm gonna go do something else.

PS~D.G. Might be coming over tomorrow,i hope so!

PPS~No one ever calls me the hell back when they say they will!God i'm so tired of flaky people.

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Subject:	Pity
Time:	12:30 am.
Mood:	Hmm.
Music:	Storm Eagle's Theme - Rockman X.

Why should I show sympathy to someone who's never show it to me?Everytime i've called up this person with a problem they somehow turn it around and shove it in my face,so when this person calls me looking for pity why should i give it to them?They act as if they have a worse life than i do.Ha,this person doesn't have to pay any damn bills and this person also gets a cell phone which she doesn't have to even pay the bill for,and college?Yep,she didn't have to pay a dime,so what if she's failing a few classes at least she gets to go to college,i dont,but i'm not complaining.Anyway i'm not saying my life is worse than anyone else's i'm just saying that i can't pity someone who hasn't been through half the shit i have to go through everyday.

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Subject:	Boom Boom
Time:	12:35 am.
Mood:	bouncy.
Music:	I dunno,I can't hear it over the bass!.

I dont wanna type/rant so i'll just paste this.

Lunatic Revolver: lol i gotz me a sub woofer.
(BLERG): woohoo!
Lunatic Revolver: it's so cool. O.o
Lunatic Revolver: *head explodes*
(BLERG): have it all set up?
Lunatic Revolver: yep.
Lunatic Revolver: i've been messin' wit it all afternoon.
(BLERG): Can the neighbors hear you DDR now?
Lunatic Revolver: lol if i turn it up they can!

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Subject:	Episode # 5478B
Time:	12:35 am.
Mood:	amused.
Music:	Xenon - ???(DDR).

I went over to Seth's house today and played a few video games with him(Naruto GNT 4,Killzone and Gitarooman)and i let him borrow Killer 7(The PS2 version,nobody gets my Gamecube version!>.<).I dunno i think it might be too weird for him.Anyway I'm thinking about buying a sub woofer so that da neighbors will KNOW when i'm playing DDR =3.If i can find one cheap enough i'll get it.Hopefully my next check will be alright cause i've been getting more hours, cause i have a few things i need to buy.Well i guess i'm just gonna go play Persona 2 or something.

lol oh and Trish,how do ya like my new background? Mwahahaha

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Subject:	Seth
Time:	10:08 pm.
Mood:	optimistic.
Music:	"DAIKENKAI" - Toru(DDR).

Seth,He's like the little brother i never had.He's my nephew and he's sixteen years old.We're alot alike but now that i'm in a different mindset it's hard to connect.We used to both just talk about why our lives suck and he called me up tonight all depressed saying that he'd failed three classes and needs six hundred dollars to pay for summer school,his dad(my half brother)is a horrible father(In my opinion)and is too hard on Seth,so he tells him to get a job or drop out.Seth ended up saying something like "I dont wanna end up like you,with your life all screwed up." and my response was that i'd found happiness in my life and that i dont give a shit about "job status",If i'm making thirteen dollars an hour working at a place that sells car parts then i dont see any shame in not having an "office" job.So i told him that i was sorry if i sounded like his dad but that my life dosent suck anymore because i've found happiness in it and that i dont care about all that teenage angst crap anymore and that you have to take what life throws at you and deal with it,I mean i have an ailing mother and i do get depressed(I'm bipolar)but i deal with it without bitching to anyone.I used to call someone and complain everytime i had a new problem but i dont anymore,I've gotta rely on myself and really LIVE life.Anyway at work today my store manager said "Hey you're doin' pretty good,bud." which was a big thing to me because i think he's starting to respect me a little.Anyway i came home and played DDR and talked with my sister Labriska and whatnot.I guess i'mma fool around online for a little while and then go to bed.

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Subject:	None
Time:	1:10 am.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	As The Rush Comes - Motorcycle.

I didn't realize it untill i was talking to someone that i've grown up.I was saying things like "You're never serious" and "You only think about yourself and you never take life seriously".It was weird,i was taken aback.Anyway i'm about to put the finishing touches on this trance mix CD then i have to take out da garbage and maybe play some Persona 2 or something.Anyway i'm gonna go do that stuff.

Oh yeah i forgot,awhile back i said that i "came out" to my sister Fay and that she said she was gay too.Well a few months ago i "came out" to my sister Labriska (the sister i'm closest to) and told her what i had told Fay and she explained that Fay lies ALOT and that she had ONE experience with a woman and that was IT.So anyway she continued and said that i should have never told her about "me" and that if a fight starts between us she'll use it against me most likely.So in other words i don't talk to Fay much anymore.

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Subject:	Life blah blah blah
Time:	1:48 pm.
Mood:	drained.
Music:	Random stuff from the CD Matt gave me.

I told my friend Baker about my all my current problems last night(it's hard to open up to him)and basically "slapped me" in the right direction and gave me advice,Thanks.I'm on my lunch break from work right now(and i'm really tired from working everyday without much sleep)but earlier i spoke to Darold and he told me alot of things about life,it's good to see a different angle on things sometimes.Anyway I'm feeling alot better today thanks to my friends.Well tonight i'm gonna come home and prolly play DDR and then watch TV or something,I dunno.

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Subject:	Emotions are Werid
Time:	9:29 pm.
Mood:	okay.
Music:	Tommorow Comes Today - Gorillaz.

I might be getting a little crush on Matt(same name as mine)at work.At first i thought he was such a jerk and i didn't like him at all but now that i've been to his house and have witnessed what he has to deal with,and he deals with it with a smile even though i think it's hard on him,i admire him and i've seen his sweet side and it's wonderful,he's prolly straight though.He bought me cigarettes(i needed them)and a few other things and i was all like "aww!" but the scene at his house(i'm not going into details)was depressing.Anyway at work today Matt was snappy at me but for the first time he apologized afterwards.Pat was nice to me as usual and no one really bugged me so it was an okay day.I was depressed most of it though over the crap that happened a in my last entry but i called her back and i dunno if i could even like that kinda person,she's kinda' a druggie and i've seen what happens with that shit.My best friend(?) used to be so fun to be with and now that he does drugs(alot)he's not even fun to be with anymore.In my last entry i guess i was just lonely and i wanted someone,ANYone and i let my feelings get the best of me(like i always do).I dunno how i'm even suppose to feel anymore.I feel like i've lost control of my life,I dont feel like i'm living i just feel like i'm existing.I'll be okay or at least i'll get a little better i'm just a little down right now because every emotion that i feel hits me like a ton of bricks and effects my whole day.I really dont want to go back to my regular store i wanna be transferred to the one i've been helping stock,i like the people better,Pat(my "work mom" )is there and if she's there i'll be alot happier.I guess life is just beating me down right now,i still feel beaten up inside but i've been through worse.Anyway i'ma go call Pat so...ummm bye!

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Subject:	Back
Time:	1:00 am.
Mood:	okay.
Music:	ill Nino - What Comes Around(day of the dead mix).

Never thought i'd come back to this but i need it,Anyway the "guy" in my last entry i found out(a long time ago)that he's never coming back because he's a freak,I also got my heart broken tonight(long story i'll tell it later or something)but i'm getting over it QUICK.Anyway i'm working at Autozone now(even though i couldent care less about cars)one good thing about it though is that i met someone there that really changed my life,i call her my "work mom" She's so accepting of me and cares so much.She's one of the greatest people I've ever met.Anyway,i'm still all insane over Rockman still and i just finished making my "Rockmix 3 cd(It's a two disc set!)".I've changed alot,i now have self-esteem and confidence and i'm alot happier than i used to be,awhile back i decided to quit wallowing in self pity and shut the hell up about my problems.and when i realized that i was killing myself by living for pity.I quit,sucked it up and starting really living.I've lost weight and whatnot and my hair has been cut short and dyed blonde,I've also come to terms(maybe not 100% but close)that i'm bisexual.Oh also Chris broke up with me awhile back,and i got over it.That and a bunch of other crap has happened so i'll continue to update as much as i can.

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